I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
