my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
