So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
