remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize