Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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