I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
