im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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