WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
