I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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