Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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