Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He felt like a one man threesome
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize