mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Randomize
