I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
