she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
