i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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