DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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