she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
