If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
