The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
