Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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