the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
