I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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