i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
