I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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