They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
