Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
