I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
