I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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