Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
