Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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