she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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