Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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