It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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