i already hear my dad disowning me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
