mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
