I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
