i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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