Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
