I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
