sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Did I show you my penis last night?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
