i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
