I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
