Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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