Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
