If i come over, it means nothing
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
