Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
