The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize