Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
