I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
