Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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