So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
