please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
