Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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