proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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