phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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