Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize