watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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