Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
